how to see。 She was wakened too soon。 Too soon the call had e
to her； when she was a small baby； and her father held her close
to his breast； her sleep…living heart was beaten into
wakefulness by the striving of his bigger heart； by his clasping
her to his body for love and for fulfilment； asking as a magnet
must always ask。 From her the response had struggled dimly；
vaguely into being。
The children were dressed roughly for the country。 When she
was little； Ursula pattered about in little wooden clogs； a blue
overall over her thick red dress； a red shawl crossed on her
breast and tied behind again。 So she ran with her father to the
garden。
The household rose early。 He was out digging by six o'clock
in the morning； he went to his work at half…past eight。 And
Ursula was usually in the garden with him； though not near at
hand。
At Eastertime one year； she helped him to set potatoes。 It
was the first time she had ever helped him。 The occasion
remained as a picture； one of her earliest memories。 They had
gone out soon after dawn。 A cold wind was blowing。 He had his
old trousers tucked into his boots； he wore no coat nor
waistcoat； his shirt…sleeves fluttered in the wind； his face was
ruddy and intent； in a kind of sleep。 When he was at work he
neither heard nor saw。 A long； thin man； looking still a youth；
with a line of black moustache above his thick mouth； and his
fine hair blown on his forehead； he worked away at the earth in
the grey first light； alone。 His solitariness drew the child
like a spell。
The wind came chill over the dark…green fields。 Ursula ran up
and watched him push the setting…peg in at one side of his ready
earth； stride across； and push it in the other side； pulling the
line taut and clear upon the clods intervening。 Then with a
sharp cutting noise the bright spade came towards her； cutting a
grip into the new； soft earth。
He struck his spade upright and straightened himself。
〃Do you want to help me？〃 he said。
She looked up at him from out of her little woollen
bonnet。
〃Ay；〃 he said； 〃you can put some taters in for me。
Look……like that……these little sprits standing
up……so much apart； you see。〃
And stooping down he quickly； surely placed the spritted
potatoes in the soft grip； where they rested separate and
pathetic on the heavy cold earth。
He gave her a little basket of potatoes； and strode himself
to the other end of the line。 She saw him stooping； working
towards her。 She was excited； and unused。 She put in one potato；
then rearranged it； to make it sit nicely。 Some of the sprits
were broken； and she was afraid。 The responsibility excited her
like a string tying her up。 She could not help looking with
dread at the string buried under the heaped…back soil。 Her
father was working nearer； stooping； working nearer。 She was
overe by her responsibility。 She put potatoes quickly into
the cold earth。
He came near。
〃Not so close；〃 he said； stooping over her potatoes； taking
some out and rearranging the others。 She stood by with the
painful terrified helplessness of childhood。 He was so unseeing
and confident； she wanted to do the thing and yet she could not。
She stood by looking on； her little blue overall fluttering in
the wind； the red woollen ends of her shawl blowing gustily。
Then he went down the row； relentlessly； turning the potatoes in
with his sharp spade…cuts。 He took no notice of her； only worked
on。 He had another world from hers。
She stood helplessly stranded on his world。 He continued his
work。 She knew she could not help him。 A little bit forlorn； at
last she turned away； and ran down the garden； away from him； as
fast as she could go away from him； to forget him and his
work。
He missed her presence； her face in her red woollen bonnet；
her blue overall fluttering。 She ran to where a little water ran
trickling between grass and stones。 That she loved。
When he came by he said to her：
〃You didn't help me much。〃
The child looked at him dumbly。 Already her heart was heavy
because of her own disappointment。 Her mouth was dumb and
pathetic。 But he did not notice； he went his way。
And she played on； because of her disappointment persisting
even the more in her play。 She dreaded work； because she could
not do it as he did it。 She was conscious of the great breach
between them。 She knew she had no power。 The grown…up power to
work deliberately was a mystery to her。
He would smash into her sensitive child's world
destructively。 Her mother was lenient； careless The children
played about as they would all day。 Ursula was
thoughtless……why should she remember things？ If across the
garden she saw the hedge had budded； and if she wanted these
greeny…pink； tiny buds for bread…and…cheese； to play at teaparty
with； over she went for them。
Then suddenly； perhaps the next day； her soul would almost
start out of her body as her father turned on her； shouting：
〃Who's been tramplin' an' dancin' across where I've just
sowed seed？ I know it's you； nuisance！ Can you find nowhere else
to walk； but just over my seed beds？ But it's like you； that
is……no heed but to follow your own greedy nose。〃
It had shocked him in his intent world to see the zigzagging
lines of deep little foot…prints across his work。 The child was
infinitely more shocked。 Her vulnerable little soul was flayed
and trampled。 Why were the foot…prints there？ She had not
wanted to make them。 She stood dazzled with pain and shame and
unreality。
Her soul； her consciousness seemed to die away。 She became
shut off and senseless； a little fixed creature whose soul had
gone hard and unresponsive。 The sense of her own unreality
hardened her like a frost。 She cared no longer。
And the sight of her face； shut and superior with
self…asserting indifference； made a flame of rage go over him。
He wanted to break her。
〃I'll break your obstinate little face；〃 he said； through
shut teeth； lifting his hand。
The child did not alter in the least。 The look of
indifference； plete glancing indifference； as if nothing but
herself existed to her； remained fixed。
Yet far away in her； the sobs were tearing her soul。 And when
he had gone； she would go and creep under the parlour sofa； and
lie clinched in the silent； hidden misery of childhood。
When she crawled out； after an hour or so； she went rather
stiffly to play。 She willed to forget。 She cut off her childish
soul from memory； so that the pain； and the insult should not be
real。 She asserted herself only。 There was not nothing in the
world but her own self。 So very soon； she came to believe in the
outward malevolence that was against her。 And very early； she
learned that even her adored father was part of this
malevolence。 And very early she learned to harden her soul in
resistance and denial of all that was outside her； harden
herself upon her own being。
She never felt sorry for what she had done； she never forgave
those who had made her guilty。 If he had said to her； 〃Why；
Ursula； did you trample my carefully…made bed？〃 that would have
hurt her to the quick； and she would have done anything for him。
But she was always tormented by the unreality of outside things。
The earth was to walk on。 Why must she avoid a certain patch；
just because it was called a seed…bed？ It was the earth to walk
on。 This was her instinctive assumption。 And when he bullied
her； she became hard； cut herself off from all connection； lived
in the little separate world of her own violent will。
As she grew older； five； six； seven； the connection between
her and her father was even stronger。 Yet it was always
straining to break。 She was always relapsing on her own violent
will into her own separate world of herself。 This made him grind
his teeth with bitterness； for he still wanted her。 But she
could harden herself into her own self's universe；
impregnable。
He was very fond of swimming； and in warm weather would take
her down to the canal； to a silent place； or to a big pond or
reservoir； to bathe。 He would take her on his back as he went
swimming； and she clung close； feeling his strong movement under
her； so strong； as if it would uphold all the world。 Then he
taught her to swim。
She was a fearless little thing； when he dared her。 And he
had a curious craving to frighten her； to see what she would do
with him。 He said； would she ride on his back whilst he jumped
off the canal bridge down into the water beneath。
She would。 He loved to feel the naked child clinging on to
his shoulders。 There was a curious fight between their two
wills。 He mounted the parapet of the canal bridge。 The water was
a long way down。 But the child had a deliberate will set upon
his。 She held herself fixed to him。
He leapt； and down they went。 The crash of the water as they
went under struck through the child's small body； with a sort of
unconsciousness。 But she remained fixed。 And when they came up
again； and when they went to the bank； and when they sat on the
grass side by side； he laughed； and said it was fine。 And the
dark…dilated eyes of the child looked at him wonderingly；
darkly； wondering from the shock； yet reserved and unfathomable；
so he laughed almost with a sob。
In