vintage hunter green Aston Martin； top still down； dewy and shining in the gray…gold morning
light。 She strode toward it purposefully； popped open the glove partment； and left the
envelope inside； faceup。
Somebody？s in for a big surprise。
？
Air Mail … Par Avion … July 14
Dear Dan；
Wow？that？s some big news！ Maybe we can go shopping together when I get back？ Or
ice…skating？ Do you like stuff like that now？
I was talking to Mom about it and she said that when you were little you were always hiding in
her closet； trying on her sequined dresses from the seventies。 Isn？t that funny？ Congratulations on
finally ing out of the closet！
I love you！
Jenny
my baby takes the morning train
？I？m home；？ Vanessa whispered as she quietly shuffled into Dan？s sprawling Upper West Side
apartment。 She care…fully deposited her backpack on an armchair laden with winter coats even
though it was July。 It was only eight o？clock in the morning and it didn？t seem fair to wake the
whole household just to announce her definitely untriumphant return。 How many times would she
slink back here？ It was basically the only place she had in the world to call home； and already
she？d had to retreat there a distressing number of times in the past few weeks： first； after being
unceremoniously evicted from the Williamsburg apartment； then after being fired from her first
real job working onBreakfast at Fred？s； and now after narrowly escaping a stint as a careless
nanny and then vapid muse to the maniacally enthusiastic Bailey Winter。
Some summer！
？Who？s there？？
Slightly startled to hear Dan？s voice？at least itsounded like Dan？so early in the morning； Vanessa
squinted into the still…dark hallway。 ？Dan？ It？s me。Vanessa。？
？Vanessa；？ Dan muttered sadly。 He was paler than usual； and his cheeks had a dusting of
irregular stubble over them； like he？d started to shave and then changed his mind。
Eggplant…colored circles ringed his eyes； and he was clutching an unlit cigarette in his hand as if
he？d forgotten to light it and then forgotten it was there。
Wow？someone really isn？t a morning person。
？Dan？ You look like？？ She paused； taking in the oily sheen of his unwashed； matted hair。 She
was suddenly over…whelmed with the feeling of wanting to draw him a bath and make him some
oatmeal。 She vaulted forward； sweeping him up in her arms。 He smelled like musty cigarettes and
armpit； but for some reason Vanessa still found it forting。 But just as she leaned in a little
closer； smelling his spottily shaven neck； he stepped out of her embrace。 ？Are you okay？？ she
demanded； concerned。
？I don？t know。？ Dan stuck the unlit cigarette into the corner of his mouth and patted his pockets
miserably。 ？I can？t find my lighter。？ He sounded almost on the verge of tears。
？Your lighter？？ It didn？t sound like that was his only problem。 Poor Dan； sometimes he took
imitating Keats a little too much to heart。
？It doesn？t matter。？ Dan removed the cigarette from his mouth and tucked it behind his ear；
where a mass of his slick； dirty hair kept it in place。 ？I？m going to make some coffee。You want
some？？
Really； all she wanted to do was collapse into bed； possibly with Dan； but he was acting entirely
bizarre。 Plus he smelled weird。
？Coffee sounds good。？ Vanessa placed her arm gently around Dan？s shoulders； as though he was
a delicate waif in need of forting。 She led him down the brown…rice…colored hallway toward
the kitchen。 ？MaybeI？ll make it； and you can just sit and tell me why you？re such a mess。？
Dan shuffled down the hallway after her but hadn？t even made it to the kitchen before the words
exploded out of him。 ？I let this dude I met at the Strand kiss me。We started a salon together。 I？m
gay。 My dad said he did some gay stuff when he was hanging out with poets back in the day； but
me？I？m really gay。？
Vanessa brushed past him and into the kitchen。 She unscrewed the lid on the mercial…size jar
of Folgers crystals on the counter。 Dan sat down at the worn Formica table and sank his head in
his hands。
？What do you mean you ？started a salon？？？ she demanded； totally ignoring the gay part of the
equation。 ？You？re Mr。 Never Get a Real Haircut。What do you know about salons？？
Dan had to smile。 ？No； a literary salon。 Asa lon；？ he repeated with the correct intonation。 He
stopped smiling。 God； he sounded gay。 ？There were lots of pretty girls at our first meeting； and
they were kissing each other too。？ He frowned； totally confused。 ？But I kissed Greg。？
Vanessa microwaved a pitcher of water and poured it out into two mismatched mugs； stirring in
spoonfuls of instant coffee。 She took a sip and made a face。 Christ； Folgers fucking tasted like dog
piss after all the amazing coffee she？d been drinking in the Hamptons。
？So let me get this straight。？ She took another sip of the acrid coffee and looked across the room；
past the mountain of unwashed dishes and the bowl of deposing bananas to the rickety stool
where Dan was perched miserably。 ？No pun intended。？
？Ha；？ Dan said joylessly。
？So 。 。 。 you？re gay。 You。 Dan Humphrey。 Gay。 Not gay happy…gay。 Gay…gay。 Gay；
I…like…to…kiss…boys gay。？Vanessa raised her dark eyebrows doubtfully。
？I wouldn？t exactly say Ilike to kiss boys。？ Dan frowned。 ？But I did。？
Jesus。 She？d only been gone three days and Dan had already met someone else。 Girl； boy；
monkey。 It just seemed kind of fast。 ？Well； I ate a salad once。 Doesn？t mean I？m a vegetarian。？
？It？s not that simple。 I got a postcard from Jenny that said my mom said I used to wear dresses
when I was a kid。？ Dan ran his fingers through his hair； inadvertently destroying the cigarette he？d
tucked behind his ear only a few minutes before。 ？Shit。？
？It kind ofis simple； Dan。 Look； you？re either gay or you？re not。 Or 。 。 。？ Vanessa paused；
considering this third option。 ？You？re bi。 Maybe that？s what it is。You？re just 。 。 。 exploring。
Discovering yourself。？
？Do you think so？？ Dan？s face brightened momentarily。 ？I mean； Greg？s nice。 We like the same
things。 But last night； when he was here； it totally freaked me out。 And I didn？t kiss him again。 I
just couldn？t。？
Part of Vanessa still wanted to be annoyed Dan had been kissing someone else while she had
been；ew； considering Chuck Bass as a substitute for Dan； but she couldn？t help but be moved by
his pathetic state of total confusion。 The little furrow in his brow looked like it had been there for
days； and the defeated slope of his shoulders made her want to carry him to his room and tuck him
in like a baby。 And then do it with him。
But she brushed that thought aside for a moment。 Dan was gay； or maybe bi。 But he？d also been
a lot of other things at different times： a toast…of…the…town literary sensation； a one…night…only rock
god； a rebellious senior graduation speaker； a fitness freak。 Now he was gay。 It couldn？t possibly
last longer than any of his other phases； and when he got tired of being gay or he realized that
being gay would mean actually kissing guys and not girls？her in particular？well； she？d be in the
bedroom right next door。
？Look； Dan。？ Vanessa poured the rest of her bitter coffee into the crowded sink and left her mug
on the countertop。 ？You need to stop being so hard on yourself。 I mean； there？s nothingwrong with
being gay； is there？？
？Of course not！ Thomas Mann was gay。 And he won the Nobel Prize。？
？Right。？ Vanessa grinned； pleased to hear Dan sounding a little more like himself。 So predictable；
so easily influenced。 Let him get this gay stuff out of his system； she could wait。 ？So 。。。I？d love to
meet this Greg guy。？
？Yeah？？ Dan responded skeptically。 ？Really？？
？Yeah。？ Vanessa squeezed his shoulder。 Now that Dan was gay； she could do things like sit on his
lap； right？ She decided to try it。 ？Really；？ she added； perching on Dan？s bony knee。 Dan slipped
his arms around her waist and buried his nose between her shoulder blades。
？Thanks；？ he said； his voice muffled。 ？You？re my hero。？
Hey； maybe he reallyis gay。
nice e…mail address； buddy 。 。 。
TO： Song of Myself
FROM： Greg P。
Re： Song of Myself？s Next Meeting！
Dear Friends；
I hope you enjoyed getting together as much as I did。 I？m happy to report that our first
get…together has already resulted in some burgeoning romances？a happy consequence of bringing
together so many like…minded creative individuals。 I hope we can continue to inspire and excite
one another at all ourmeetings！
For our next get…together； please bring along your favorite work of Shakespeare and we？ll take
turns reading aloud。 You show me yours and I？ll show you mine！
Yours in love and iambic pentameter；
Greg
on the road again
？Pull over！？
？What？？ The one disadvantage of his dad？s convertible was that it made having a conversation
while driving almost impossible。 Nate turned to see Blair frantically pointing at a sign announcing
one of those cheesy scenic overlooks where a couple of minivans were already parked along the
shoulder。
Bo…ring。
？You want me to stop？