omach with my head on my arms。 My knee was stiff； but it had been very satisfactory。 Valentini had done a fine job。 I had done half the retreat on foot and swum part of the Tagliamento with his knee。 It was his knee all right。 The other knee was mine。 Doctors did things to you and then it was not your body any more。 The head was mine； and the inside of the belly。 It was very hungry in there。 I could feel it turn over on itself。 The head was mine； but not to use； not to think with； only to remember and not too much remember。
I could remember Catherine but I knew I would get crazy if I thought about her when I was not sure yet I would see her； so I would not think about her； only about her a little； only about her with the car going slowly and clickingly； and some light through the canvas and my lying with Catherine on the floor of the car。 Hard as the floor of the car to lie not thinking only feeling； having been away too long； the clothes wet and the floor moving only a little each time and lonesome inside and alone with wet clothing and hard floor for a wife。
You did not love the floor of a flat…car nor guns with canvas jackets and the smell of vaselined metal or a canvas that rain leaked through； although it is very fine under a canvas and pleasant with guns； but you loved some one else whom now you knew was not even to be pretended there； you seeing now very clearly and coldly……not so coldly as clearly and emptily。 You saw emptily； lying on your stomach； having been present when one army moved back and another came forward。 You had lost your cars and your men as a floorwalker loses the stock of his department in a fire。 There was； however； no insurance。 You were out of it now。 You had no more obligation。 If they shot floorwalkers after a fire in the department store because they spoke with an accent they had always had； then certainly the floorwalkers would not be expected to return when the store opened again for business。 They might seek other employment； if there was any other employment and the police did not get them。
Anger was washed away in the river along with any obligation。 Although that ceased when the carabiniere put his hands on my collar。 I would like to have had the uniform off although I did not care much about the outward forms。 I had taken off the stars； but that was for convenience。 It was no point of honor。 I was not against them。 I was through。 I wished them all the luck。 There were the good ones； and the brave ones； and the calm ones and the sensible ones； and they deserved it。 But it was not my show any more and I wished this bloody train would get to Mestre and I would eat and stop thinking。 I would have to stop。
Piani would tell them they had shot me。 They went through the pockets and took the papers of the people they shot。 They would not have my papers。 They might call me drowned。 I wondered what they would hear in the States。 Dead from wounds and other causes。 Good Christ I was hungry。 I wondered what had bee of the priest at the mess。 And Rinaldi。 He was probably at Pordenone。 If they had not gone further back。 Well； I would never see him now。 I would never see any of them now。 That life was over。 I did not think he had syphilis。 It was not a serious disease anyway if you took it in time； they said。 But he would worry。 I would worry too if I had it。 Any one would worry。
I was not made to think。 I was made to eat。 My God； yes。 Eat and drink and sleep with Catherine。 To…night maybe。 No that was impossible。 But to…morrow night； and a good meal and sheets and never going away again except together。 Probably have to go damned quickly。 She would go。 I knew she would go。 When would we go？ That was something to think about。 It was getting dark。 I lay and thought where we would go。 There were many places。
BOOK FOUR
33
I dropped off the train in Milan as it slowed to e into the station early in the morning before it was light。 I crossed the track and came out between some buildings and down onto the street。 A wine shop was open and I went in for some coffee。 It smelled of early morning； of swept dust； spoons in coffee…glasses and the wet circles left by wine…glasses。 The proprietor was behind the bar。 Two soldiers sat at a table。 I stood at the bar and drank a glass of coffee and ate a piece of bread。 The coffee was gray with milk； and I skimmed the milk scum off the top with a piece of bread。 The proprietor looked at me。
〃You want a glass of grappa？〃
〃No thanks。〃
〃On me；〃 he said and poured a small glass and pushed it toward me。 〃What's happening at the front？〃
〃I would not know。〃
〃They are drunk；〃 he said； moving his hand toward the two soldiers。 I could believe him。 They looked drunk。
〃Tell me；〃 he said； 〃what is happening at the front？〃
〃I would not know about the front。〃
〃I saw you e down the wall。 You came off the train。〃
〃There is a big retreat。〃
〃I read the papers。 What happens？ Is it over？〃
〃I don't think so。〃
He filled the glass with grappa from a short bottle。 〃If you are in trouble；〃 he said； 〃I can keep you。〃
〃I am not in trouble。〃
〃If you are in trouble stay here with me。〃
〃Where does one stay？〃
〃In the building。 Many stay here。 Any who are in trouble stay here。〃
〃Are many in trouble？〃
〃It depends on the trouble。 You are a South American？〃
〃No。〃
〃Speak Spanish？〃
〃A little。〃
He wiped off the bar。
〃It is hard now to leave the country but in no way impossible。〃
〃I have no wish to leave。〃
〃You can stay here as long as you want。 You will see what sort of man I am。〃
〃I have to go this morning but I will remember the address to return。〃
He shook his head。 〃You won't e back if you talk like that。 I thought you were in real trouble。〃
〃I am in no trouble。 But I value the address of a friend。〃
I put a ten…lira note on the bar to pay for the coffee。
〃Have a grappa with me；〃 I said。
〃It is not necessary。〃
〃Have one。〃
He poured the two glasses。
〃Remember；〃 he said。 〃e here。 Do not let other people take you in。 Here you are all right。〃
〃I am sure。〃
〃You are sure？〃
〃Yes。〃
He was serious。 〃Then let me tell you one thing。 Do not go about with that coat。〃
〃Why？〃
〃On the sleeves it shows very plainly where the stars have been cut away。 The cloth is a different color。〃
I did not say anything。
〃If you have no papers I can give you papers。〃
〃What papers？〃
〃Leave…papers。〃
〃I have no need for papers。 I have papers。〃
〃All right；〃 he said。 〃But if you need papers I can get what you wish。〃
〃How much are such papers？〃
〃It depends on what they are。 The price is reasonable。〃
〃I don't need any now。〃
He shrugged his shoulders。
〃I'm all right；〃 I said。
When I went out he said； 〃Don't forget that I am your friend。〃
〃No。〃
〃I will see you again；〃 he said。
〃Good；〃 I said。
Outside I kept away from the station； where there were military police； and picked up a cab at the edge of the little park。 I gave the driver the address of the hospital。 At the hospital I went to the porter's lodge。 His wife embraced me。 He shook my hand。
〃You are back。 You are safe。〃
〃Yes。〃
〃Have you had breakfast？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃How are you； Tenente？ How are you？〃 the wife asked。
〃Fine。〃
〃Won't you have breakfast with us？〃
〃No； thank you。 Tell me is Miss Barkley here at the hospital now？〃
〃Miss Barkley？〃
〃The English lady nurse。〃
〃His girl；〃 the wife said。 She patted my arm and smiled。
〃No；〃 the porter said。 〃She is away。〃
My heart went down。 〃You are sure？ I mean the tall blonde English young lady。〃
〃I am sure。 She is gone to Stresa。〃
〃When did she go？〃
〃She went two days ago with the other lady English。〃
〃Good；〃 I said。 〃I wish you to do something for me。 Do not tell any one you have seen me。 It is very important。〃
〃I won't tell any one；〃 the porter said。 I gave him a ten…lira note。 He pushed it away。
〃I promise you I will tell no one；〃 he said。 〃I don't want any money。〃
〃What can we do for you； Signor Tenente？〃 his wife asked。
〃Only that；〃 I said。
〃We are dumb；〃 the porter said。 〃You will let me know anything I can do？〃
〃Yes；〃 I said。 〃Good…by。 I will see you again。〃
They stood in the door； looking after me。
I got into the cab and gave the driver the address of Simmons； one of the men I knew who was studying singing。
Simmons lived a long way out in the town toward the Porta Magenta。 He was still in bed and sleepy when I went to see him。
〃You get up awfully early； Henry；〃 he said。
〃I came in on the early train。〃
〃What's all this retreat？ Were you at the front？ Will you have a cigarette？ They're in that box on the table。〃 It was a big room with a bed beside the wall； a piano over on the far side and a dresser and table。 I sat on a chair by the bed。 Simmons sat propped up by the pillows and smoked。
〃I'm in a jam； Sim；〃 I said。
〃So am I；〃 he said。 〃I'm always in a jam。 Won't you smoke？〃
〃No；〃 I said。 〃What's the procedure in going to Switzerland？〃
〃For you？ The Italians wouldn't let you out of the country。〃
〃Yes。 I know that。 But the Swiss。 What will they do？〃
〃They intern you。〃
〃I know。 But what's the mechanics of it？〃
〃Nothing。 It's very simple。 You can go anywhere。 I think you just have to report or something。 Why？ Are you fleeing the police？〃
〃Nothing def