t
this time。 〃This has to stop now。 You can't think about things that way。 You can't let this… this guilt…
rule your life。 You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here。 None of it is your fault；
it's just part of how life is for me。 So； if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time； you have to
realize that it's not your job to take the blame。 You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad
that you didn't save me。 Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die； that would have been my choice； and
not your fault。 I know it's your… your nature to shoulder the blame for everything； but you really can't
let that make you go to such extremes！ It's very irresponsible—think of Esme and Carlisle and—〃
I was on the edge of losing it。 I stopped to take a deep breath； hoping to calm myself。 I had to set him
free。 I had to make sure this never happened again。
〃Isabella Marie Swan；〃 he whispered； the strangest expression crossing his face。 He almost looked mad。
〃Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty？〃
I could feel the blank inprehension on my face。 〃Didn't you？〃
〃Feel guilty？ Intensely so。 More than you can prehend。〃
〃Then… what are you saying？ I don't understand。〃
〃Bella； I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead；〃 he said； voice soft； eyes fierce。 〃Even if
I'd had no hand in your death〃—he shuddered as he whispered the last word—〃even if it wasn't my
fault； I would have gone to Italy。 Obviously； I should have been more careful—I should have spoken to
Alice directly； rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie。 But； really； what was I supposed to
think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral？ What are the odds？
〃The odds…〃 he muttered then； distracted。 His voice was so low I wasn't sure I beard it right。 〃The odds
are always stacked against us。 Mistake after mistake。 I'll never criticize Romeo again。〃
〃But I still don't understand；〃 I said。 〃That's my whole point。 So what？〃
〃Excuse me？〃
〃So what if I was dead？〃
He stared at me dubiously for a long moment before answering。 〃Don't you remember anything I told you
before？〃
〃I remember everything that you told me。〃 Including the words that had negated all the rest。
He brushed the tip of his cool finger against my lower lip。 〃Bella； you seem to be under a
misapprehension。〃 He closed his eyes； shaking his head back and forth with half a smile on his beautiful
face。 It wasn't a happy smile。 〃I thought I'd explained it clearly before。 Bella； I can't live in a world where
you don't exist。〃
〃I am…〃 My head swam as I looked for the appropriate word。 〃Confused。〃 That worked。 I couldn't
make sense of what he was saying。
He stared deep into my eyes with his sincere； earnest gaze。 〃I'm a good liar； Bella； I have to be。〃
I froze； my muscles locking down as if for impact。 The fault line in my chest rippled； the pain of it took my
breath away。
He shook my shoulder； trying to loosen my rigid pose。 〃Let me finish！ I'm a good liar； but still； for you to
believe me so quickly。〃 He winced。 〃That was… excruciating。〃
I waited； still frozen。
〃When we were in the forest； when I was telling you goodbye—〃
I didn't allow myself to remember。 I fought to keep myself in the present second only。
〃You weren't going to let go；〃 he whispered。 〃I could see that。 I didn't want to do it—it felt like it would
kill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore； it would just
take you that much longer to get on with your life。 I hoped that； if you thought I'd moved on； so would
you。〃
〃A clean break；〃 I whispered through unmoving lips。
〃Exactly。 But I never imagined it would be so easy to do！ I thought it would be next to impossible—that
you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the
seed of doubt in your head。 I lied； and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt you； sorry because it was a
worthless effort。 Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I an。 I lied to save you； and it didn't work。
I'm sorry。
〃But how could you believe me？ After all the thousand times I've told you I love you； how could you let
one word break your faith in me？〃
I didn't answer。 I was too shocked to form a rational response。
〃I could see it in your eyes； that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore。 The most absurd；
ridiculous concept—as if there were anu way that I could exist without needing you！〃
I was still frozen。 His words were inprehensible； because they were impossible。
He shook my shoulder again； not hard； but enough that my teeth rattled a little。
〃Bella；〃 he sighed。 〃Really； what were you thinking！〃
And so I started to cry。 The tears welled up and then gushed miserably down my cheeks。
〃I knew it；〃 I sobbed。 〃I knew I was dreaming。〃
〃You're impossible；〃 he said； and he laughed once—a hard laugh； frustrated。 〃How can I put this so that
you'll believe me？ You're not asleep； and you're not dead。 I'm here； and I love you。 I have always loved
you； and I will always love you。 I was thinking of you； seeing your face in my mind； every second that I
was away。 When I told you that I didn't want you； it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy。〃
I shook my head while the tears continued to ooze from the corners of my eyes。
〃You don't believe me； do you？〃 he whispered； his face paler than his usual pale—I could see that even
in the dim light。 〃Why can you believe the lie； but not the truth？〃
〃It never made sense for you to love me；〃 I explained； my voice breaking twice。 〃I always knew that。〃
His eyes narrowed； his jaw tightened。
〃I'll prove you're awake；〃 he promised。
He caught my face securely between his iron hands； ignoring my struggles when I tried to turn my head
away。
〃Please don't；〃 I whispered。
He stopped； his lips just half an inch from mine。
〃Why not？〃 he demanded。 His breath blew into my face； making my head whirl。
〃When I wake up〃—He opened his mouth to protest； so I revised—〃okay； forget that one—when you
leave again； it's going to be hard enough without this； too。〃
He pulled back an inch； to stare at my face。
〃Yesterday； when I would touch you； you were so… hesitant； so careful； and yet still the same。 I need to
know why。 Is it because I'm too late？ Because I've hurt you too much？ Because you have moved on； as
I meant for you to？ That would be… quite fair。 I won't contest your decision。 So don't try to spare my
feelings； please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me； after everything I've done to you。
Can you？〃 he whispered。
〃What kind of an idiotic question is that？〃
〃Just answer it。 Please。〃
I stared at him darkly for a long moment。 〃The way I feel about you will never change。 Of course I love
you—and there's nothing you can do about it！〃
〃That's all I needed to hear。〃
His mouth was on mine then； and I couldn't fight him。 Not because he was so many thousand times
stronger than me； but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips met。 This kiss was not quite
as careful as others I remembered； which suited me just fine。 If I was going to rip myself up further； I
might as well get as much in trade as possible。
So I kissed him back； my heart pounding out a jagged； disjointed rhythm while my breathing turned to
panting and my fingers moved greedily to his face。 I could feel his marble body against every line of mine；
and I was so glad he hadn't listened to me—there was no pain in the world that would have justified
missing this。 His hands memorized my face； the same way mine were tracing his； and； in the brief seconds
when his lips were free； he whispered my name。
When I was starting to get dizzy； he pulled away； only to lay his ear against my heart。
I lay there； dazed； waiting for my gasping to slow and quiet。
〃By the way；〃 he said in a casual tone。 〃I'm not leaving you。〃
I didn't say anything； and he seemed to hear skepticism in my silence。
He lifted his face to lock my gaze in his。 〃I'm not going anywhere。 Not without you；〃 he added more
seriously。
〃I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal； happy； human life。 I
could see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of danger； taking you away
from the world you belonged in； risking your life every moment I was with you。 So I had to try。 I had to
do something； and it seemed like leaving was the only way。 If I hadn't thought you would be better off； I
could have never made myself leave。 I'm much too selfish。 Only you could be more important than what I
wanted… what I needed。 What I want and need is to be with you； and I know I'll never be strong
enough to leave again。 I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that！ It seems you can't be
safe； no matter how many miles I put between us。〃
〃Don't promise me anything；〃 I whispered。 If I let myself hope； and it came to nothing… that would kill
me。 Where all those merciless vampires had not been able to