mirror before heading to the bedroom； and his last decision of the day was to sleep on the floor。 He couldn‘t dirty up new sheets。
C15
CHAPTER 15
Lessons Applied
Hell began promptly at eleven that morning； though Colonel Zacharias had no way of knowing the time。 The tropical sun seemed always to be overhead； beating mercilessly down。 Even in his windowless cell there was no escaping it； any more than he could escape the insects that seemed to thrive on the heat。 He wondered how anything could thrive here； but everything that did seemed to be something that hurt or offended him； and that was as concise a definition of hell as anything he‘d learned in the temples of his youth。 Zacharias had been trained for possible capture。 He‘d been through the survival； evasion； resistance； and escape course； called SERE School。 It was something you had to do if you flew airplanes for a living； and it was purposefully the most hated thing in the military because it did things to otherwise pampered Air Force and Navy officers that Marine drill instructors would have quailed at … things which were； in any other context； deeds worthy of a general court…martial followed by a lengthy term at Leavenworth or Portsmouth。 The experience for Zacharias； as for most others； had been one he would never willingly repeat。 But his current situation was not of his own volition either； was it？ And he was repeating SERE School。
He‘d considered capture in a distant sort of way。 It wasn‘t the sort of thing you could really ignore once you‘d heard the awful； despairing electronic raww of the emergency radios； and seen the ‘chutes； and tried to organize a RESCAP； hoping the Jolly Green Giant helicopter could swoop in from its base in Laos or maybe a Navy ‘Big Mutha‘ … as the squids called the rescue birds … would race in from the sea。 Zacharias had seen that work； but more often he‘d seen it fail。 He‘d heard the panicked and tragically unmanly cries of airmen about to be captured： ‘Get me out of here；‘ one major had screamed before another voice had e on the radio； speaking spiteful words none of them could understand； but which they had understood even so； with bitterness and killing rage。 The Jolly crews and their Navy counterparts did their best； and though Zacharias was a Mormon and had never touched alcohol in his life； he had bought those chopper crews enough drinks to lay low a squad of Marines； in gratitude and awe at their bravery； for that was how yon expressed your admiration within the munity of warriors。
But like every other member of that munity； he‘d never really thought capture would happen to him。 Death； that was the chance and the likelihood he‘d thought about。 Zacharias had been King Weasel。 He‘d helped invent that branch of his profession。 With his intellect and superb flying skills he‘d created the doctrine and validated it in the air。 He‘d driven his F…105 into the most concentrated antiair work anyone had yet built； actually seeking out the most dangerous weapons for his special attention； and using his training and intelligence to duel with them； matching tactic for tactic； skill for skill； teasing them； defying them； baiting them in what had bee the most exhilarating contest any man had ever experienced； a chess game played in three dimensions over and under Mach…1； with him driving his two…seater Thud and with them manning Russian…built radars and missile launchers。 Like mongoose and cobra； theirs was a very private vendetta played for keeps every day； and in his pride and his skill； he‘d thought he would win； or； at worst； meet his end in the form of a yellow…black cloud that would mark a proper airman‘s death： immediate； dramatic； and ethereal。
He‘d never thought himself a particularly brave man。 He had his faith。 Were he to meet death in the air； then he could look forward to staring God in the face； standing with humility at his lowly station and pride at the lifе he had lived； for Robin Zacharias was a righteous man； hardly ever straying from the path of virtue。 He was a good friend to his rades； a conscientious leader mindful of his men‘s needs； an upright family man with strong； bright； proud children； most of all； he was an Elder in his church who tithed his Air Force salary； as his station in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter…Day Saints required。 For all of those reasons he had never feared death。 What lay beyond the grave was something whose reality he viewed with confidence。 It was life that was uncertain； and his current life was the most uncertain of all； and faith even as strong as his had limits imposed by the body which contained it。 That was a fact he either did not fully understand or somehow did not believe。 His faith； the Colonel told himself； should be enough to sustain him through anything。 Was。 Should be。 Was； he‘d learned as a child from his teachers。 But those lessons had been taught in fortable classrooms in sight of the Wasatch Mountains； by teachers in clean white shirts and ties； holding their lesson books； speaking with confidence imparted by the history of their church and its members。
It‘s different here。 Zacharias heard the little voice that said so； trying to ignore it； trying his best not to believe it； for believing it was a contradiction with his faith； and that contradiction was the single thing his mind could not allow。 Joseph Smith had died for his faith； murdered in Illinois。 Others had done the same。 The history of Judaism and Christianity was replete with the names of martyrs … heroes to Robin Zacharias； because that was the word used by his professional munity … who had sustained torture at Roman or other hands and had died with God‘s name on their lips。
But they didn‘t suffer as long as you； the voice pointed out。 A few hours。 The brief hellish minutes burning at the stake； a day or two； perhaps； nailed to the cross。 That was one thing； you could see the end of it； and if you knew what lay beyond the end； then you could concentrate on that。 But to see beyond the end； you had to know where the end was。
Robin Zacharias was alone。 There were others here。 He‘d caught glimpses； but there was no munication。 He‘d tried the tap code； but no one ever answered。 Wherever they were； they were too distant； or the building‘s arrangements didn‘t allow it； or perhaps his hearing was off。 He could not share thoughts with anyone； and even prayers had limits to a mind as intelligent as his。 He was afraid to pray for deliverance … a thought he was unable even to admit； for it would be an internal admission that his faith had somehow been shaken； and that was something he could not allow； but part of him knew that in not praying for deliverance； he was admitting something by omission； that if he prayed； and after a time deliverance didn‘t e； then his faith might start to die； and with that his soul。 For Robin Zacharias； that was how despair began； not with a thought； but with the unwillingness to entreat his God for something that might not e。
He couldn‘t know the rest。 His dietary deprivation； the isolation so especially painful to a man of his intelligence； and the gnawing fear of pain； for even faith could not take pain away； and all men know fear of that。 Like carrying a heavy load； however strong a man might be； his strength was finite and gravity was not。 Strength of body was easily understood； but in the pride and righteousness that came from his faith； he had failed to consider that the physical acted upon the psychological； just as surely as gravity but far more insidiously。 He interpreted the crushing mental fatigue as a weakness assignable to something not supposed to break； and he faulted himself for nothing more than being human。 Consultation with another Elder would have righted everything； but that wasn‘t possible； and in denying himself the escape hatch of merely admitting his human frailty； Zacharias forced himself further and further into a trap of his own creation； aided and abetted by people who wanted to destroy him； body and soul。
It was then that things became worse。 The door to his cell opened。 Two Vietnamese wearing khaki uniforms looked at him as though he were a stain on the air of their country。 Zacharias knew what they were here for。 He tried to meet them with courage。 They took him； one man on each arm； and a third following behind with a rifle； to a larger room … but even before he passed through the doorway； the muzzle of the rifle stabbed hard into his back； right at the spot that still hurt； fully nine months after his painful ejection； and he gasped in pain。 The Vietnamese didn‘t even show pleasure at his disfort。 They didn‘t ask questions。 There wasn‘t even a plan to their abuse that he could recognize； just the physical attacks of five men operating all at once； and Zacharias knew that resistance was death； and while he wished for his captivity to end； to seek death in that way might actually be suicide； and he couldn‘t do that。
It didn‘t matter。 In a brief span of seconds his ability to do anything at all was taken away； and he merely collapsed on the rough concrete floor； feeling the blows and kicks and pain add up like numbers on a ledger sheet； his muscles paralyzed by agony； unable to move any of his limbs more than an inch or t