ace； with nothing in him any more； no lust； no fear； no shame； nohope。 And yet he knew that it would e again—the darkness was full of demons crouching；waiting to worry him with their teeth again。
Then I looked in the grave and I wondered。
Ah； down！—what was he searching here； all alone in darkness？ But now he knew； for ironyhad left him； that he was searching something； hidden in the darkness； that must be found。 Hewould die if it was not found； or； he was dead already； and would never again be joined to theliving； if it was not found。
And the grave looked so sad and lonesome。
In the grave where he now wandered—he knew it was the grave； it was so cold and silent；and he moved in icy mist—he found his mother and his father； his mother dressed in scarlet； hisfather dressed in white。 They did not see him： they looked backward； over their shoulders； at acloud of witnesses。 And there was his Aunt Florence； gold and silver flashing on her fingers；brazen ear…rings dangling from her ears； and there was another woman； whom he took to be thatwife of his father’s； called Deborah—who had； as he had once believed； so much to tell him。 Butshe； alone； of all that pany； looked at him and signified that there was no speech in the grave。
He was a stranger there—they did not see him pass； they did not know what he was looking for；they could not help him search。 He wanted to find Elisha； who knew； perhaps； who would help him—but Elisha was not there。 There was Roy： Roy also might have helped him； but he had beenstabbed with a knife； and lay now； brown and silent； at his father’s feet。
Then there began to flood John’s soul the waters of despair。 Love is as strong as death； asdeep as the grave。 But love； which had； perhaps； like a benevolent monarch； swelled thepopulation of his neighboring kingdom； Death； had not himself descended： they owed him noallegiance here。 Here there was no speech or language； and there was no love； no one to say： Youare beautiful； John； no one to forgive him； no matter what his sin； no one to heal him； and lift himup。 No one： father and mother looked backward； Roy was bloody； Elisha was not here。
Then the darkness began to murmur—a terrible sound—and John’s ears trembled。 In thismurmur that filled the grave； like a thousand wings beating on the air； he recognized a sound thathe had always heard。 He began； for terror； to weep and moan—and this sound was swallowed up；and yet was magnified by the echoes that filled the darkness。
This sound had filled John’s life； so it now seemed； from the moment he had first drawnbreath。 He had heard it everywhere； in prayer and in daily speech； and wherever the saints weregathered； and in the unbelieving streets。 It was in his father’s anger； and in his mother’s calminsistence； and in the vehement mockery of his aunt； it had rung； so oddly； in Roy’s voice thisafternoon； and when Elisha played the piano it was there； it was in the beat and jangle of SisterMcCandless’s tambourine； it was in the very cadence of her testimony； and invested that testimonywith a matchless； unimpeachable authority。 Yes； he had heard it all his life； but it was only nowthat his ears were open to this sound that came from darkness； that could only e from darkness；that yet bore such sure witness to the glory of the light。 And now in this moaning； and so far fromany help； he heard it in himself—it rose from his bleeding； his cracked open heart。 It was a soundof rage and weeping which filled the grave； rage and weeping from time set free； but bound now iernity； rage that had no language； weeping with no voice—which yet spoke now； to John’sstartled soul； of boundless melancholy； of the bitterest patience； and the longest night； of thedeepest water； the strongest chains； the most cruel lash； of humility most wretched； the dungeonmost absolute； of love’s bed defiled； and birth dishonored； and most bloody； unspeakable； suddendeath。 Yes； the darkness hummed with murder： the body in the water； the body in the fire； the bodyon the tree。 John looked down the line of these armies of darkness； army upon army； and his soulwhispered： Who are these？ Who are they？ And wondered： Where shall I go？
There was no answer。 There was no help or healing in the grave； no answer in the darkness；no speech from all that pany。 They looked backward。 And John looked back； seeing nodeliverance。
I； John saw the future； way up in the middle of the air。
Were the lash； the dungeon； and the night for him？ And the sea for him？ And the grave forhim？
I； John saw a number； way in the middle of the air。
And he struggled to flee—out of this darkness； out of this pany—into the land of theliving； so high； so far away。 Fear was upon him； a more deadly fear than he had ever known； as heturned and turned in the darkness； as he moaned； and stumbled； and crawled through darkness；finding no hand； no voice； finding no door。 Who are these？ Who are they？ They were the despisedand rejected； the wretched and the spat upon； the earth’s offscouring； and he was in their pany；and they would swallow up his soul。 The stripes they had endured would scar his back； their punishment would be his； their portion his； his their humiliation； anguish； chains； their dungeonhis； their death his。 Thrice was I beaten with rods； once I was stoned； thrice I suffered shipwreck； anight and a day I have been in the deep。
And their dread testimony would be his！
In journeying often； in perils of waters； inn perils of robbers； in perils by mine owncountrymen； in perils by the heathen； in perils in the city； in perils in the wilderness； in perils inthe sea； in perils among false brethren。
And their desolation； his：
In weariness and painfulness； in watching often； in hunger and thirst； in fasting often； incold and nakedness。
And he began to shout for help； seeing before him the lash； the fire； and the depthlesswater； seeing his head bowed down for ever； he； John； the lowest among these lowly。 And helooked for his mother； but her eyes were fixed on this dark army—she was claimed by this army。
And his father would not help him； his father did not see him； and Roy lay dead。
Then he whispered； not knowing that he whispered： ‘Oh； Lord； have mercy on me。 Havemercy on me。’
And a voice； for the first time in all his terrible journey； spoke to John； through he rage andweeping； and fire； and darkness； and flood：
‘Yes；’ said the voice； ‘go through。 Go through。’
‘Lift me up；’ whispered John； ‘lift me up。 I can’t go through。’
‘Go through；’ said the voice； ‘go through。’
Then there was silence。 The murmuring ceased。 There was only this trebling beneath him。
And he knew there was a light somewhere。
‘Go through。’
‘Ask Him to take you through。’
But he could never go through this darkness； through this fire and this wrath。 He nevercould go through。 His strength was finished； and he could not move。 He belonged to the darkness—the darkness from which he had thought to flee had claimed him。 And he moaned again；weeping； and lifted up his hands。
‘Call on Him。 Call on Him。’
‘Ask Him to take you through。’
Dust rose again in his nostrils； sharp as the fumes of Hell。 And he turned again in thedarkness； trying to remember something he had heard； something he had read。
Jesus saves。
And he saw before him the fire； red and gold； and waiting for him—yellow； and red； andgold； and burning in a night eternal； and waiting for him。 He must go through this fire； and into thisnight。
Jesus saves。
Call on Him。
Ask Him to take you through。
He could not call； for his tongue would not unlock； and his heart was silent； and great withfear。 In the darkness； how to move？—with death’s ten thousand jaws agape； and waiting in thedarkness。 On any turning whatsoever the beast may spring—to move in the darkness is to moveinto the moving jaws of death。 And yet； it came to him that he must move； for there was a lightsomewhere； and life； and joy； and singing—somewhere； somewhere above him。
And he moaned again： ‘Oh； Lord； have mercy。 Have mercy； Lord。’
There came to him again the munion service at which Elisha had knelt at his father’sfeet。 Now this service was in a great； high room； a room made golden by the light of the sun； andthe room was filled with a multitude of people； all in long； white robes； the women with coveredheads。 They sat at a long； bare； wooden table。 They broke at this table flat； unsalted bread； whichwas the body of the Lord； and drank from a heavy silver cup the scarlet wine of His blood。 Then hesaw that they were barefoot； and that their feet were stained with this same blood。 And a sound ofweeping filled the room as they broke the bread and drank the wine。
Then they rose； to e together over a great basin filled with water。 And they divided intofour groups； two of women； and man before man； to watch each other’s feet。 But the blood wouldnot wash off； many washings only turned the crystal water red； and someone cried： ‘Have youbeen to the river？’
Then John saw the river； and the multitude was there。 And now they had undergone achange； their robes were ragged； and stained with the